Why Healing Is Messy
You know those scenes in medical dramas? A person is rushed into the ER after a terrible accident … blood loss, broken bones, maybe even amnesia if the plot really wants to tug your heart. The emergency team is scrambling to stabilize them: stop the bleeding, restart the heart, keep them alive.
Eventually, the chaos calms. The beeping slows. Someone says, “They’re stable.”
But that’s never the end. It’s just the beginning.
Now comes the long, hard work: surgery, rehab, learning to walk again. Sometimes even learning who they are all over again. It’s slow. Frustrating. Unpredictable. And yet, it’s still healing.
Emotional healing works the same way. It’s rarely neat. It doesn’t follow a timeline. And most of the time, it looks messier before it looks better. We often imagine healing as a straight road: pain happens, and then with time, prayer, self-care, or therapy, and then we would arrive at peace.
But real healing doesn’t work like that, in all cases. Most times it looks more like a loop or a spiral, what some call the grief curve. You start to feel okay… and then out of nowhere, a wave of sadness, anger, or anxiety hits. And you wonder, “Wait, aren’t I past this?”
You’re not doing anything wrong. This is what healing looks like: progress, pause, setback, growth. Like rehab after surgery, you’ll have strong days and hard days. Some weeks feel like breakthroughs; others feel like survival.
You're still healing, even on the days that feel like defeat.
Setbacks Don’t Mean You’re Starting All - Over - Again
Let’s be honest, it’s discouraging when old wounds reopen or emotions you thought you’d “worked through” resurface. There’s a misconception that once we start healing, we should be “better.” But better is not a destination. It's a process.
You might be doing the work; therapy, journaling, setting boundaries etc. and still have days when old wounds reopen or doubts creep in. That’s not failure. That’s part of the journey. Growth doesn’t mean never hurting again. It means learning how to carry the pain differently.
Think of it this way: when a person starts walking again after a bad injury, falling is part of the process. It doesn’t erase their progress, it proves they’re trying. Your emotional stumbles are the same. They’re signs of movement, not failure.
But Sometimes… We Contribute to the Setback
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: sometimes, the setbacks we experience in healing are part of the process, yes! but they’re also tied to our own actions.
Think of that medical patient again. Once they’re stable, the doctor doesn’t just say, “Good luck, you’re on your own.” There are discharge instructions, follow-ups, wound dressings, and precautions. The doctor usually gives clear advice: “Don’t lift anything heavy yet.” “Come in for your dressing change.” “Ease back into activity.”
Why? Because doing too much too soon can reopen the wound.
It’s the same with emotional healing.
Sometimes we try to skip ahead, numbing the pain, overloading ourselves, pretending we’re fine when we’re not. And while that’s understandable (because who wants to feel pain?), it can delay the deeper healing we need.
Here are a few common things to watch out for:
Rushing through pain. Whether through overworking, medication misuse, or unhealthy coping, trying to bypass pain doesn’t make it go away, it just pushes it down. Eventually, it will surface again.
Overcompensating too quickly. You might feel “better” and immediately try to return to life at full speed, taking on too much, trying to prove you’re fine. But healing isn’t about performance. It’s about pace..
So What Can You Do Instead?
You don’t need to do healing perfectly. But you can be intentional. Like any good recovery plan, emotional healing benefits from care and consistency:
Embrace the process. Healing isn’t the destination, it’s a journey. Notice the small wins: the way you breathe deeper, how you pause before reacting, how you're learning to name your feelings. That’s progress.
Be kind to yourself. Life won’t stop because something happened to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep pushing. You’re not behind. You’re not in competition. You’re healing at your pace.
Be open and vulnerable. If you’re in therapy, talk about the messy moments. Ask your therapist, “Is this normal?” Name your fears. Be honest about new emotions. Vulnerability is a healing tool, not a weakness.
Be consistent. You don’t need big leaps. Just keep showing up for yourself. Small, repeated steps; rest, reflection, safe connection, they all add up over time.
Build a Support System
Now here is the kick, there’s no award for doing it alone. In fact, the strongest thing you can do is admit, “I can’t do this by myself.” In medical recovery, no one expects the patient to perform surgery on themselves or handle physical therapy without guidance. It’s the same with emotional healing. You may need a therapist, a support group, a safe friend, or just someone to remind you that you're not too much or too broken.
Needing support doesn’t make your healing less real, it makes it sustainable..
TL;DR
You’re Allowed to Not Have It All Figured Out
Healing isn’t about becoming a perfect version of yourself. It’s about becoming a more honest person.
You can still cry, still feel unsure, still get overwhelmed and still be healing.
You can carry hope and pain at the same time. You can celebrate progress and still feel tired.
You are allowed to be a work in progress.
So if your healing feels chaotic, slow, emotional, or unpredictable, you're not doing it wrong. You're right on track.
References:
Why Healing Is Not Linear