“Am I the Problem?”-Reflections on Toxic Traits
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of blaming others—convinced they were in the wrong—only to later wonder if, just maybe, you played a part too?
It’s much easier to recognize flaws in others than to confront our own. In fact, it’s human nature. Over time, we may unconsciously develop the habit of shifting blame as a coping mechanism.
Self-reflection requires addressing parts of ourselves we may not be proud of, whether it's toxic behavior learned from a parent, defensiveness, or even manipulative tendencies.
Often, these traits surface when we feel attacked, acting as a form of self-protection. Although uncomfortable, self-reflection is essential for personal growth, healthier relationships, and overall well-being.
The Comfort of Blame
Why is it easier to recognize other people’s toxic behaviors than to examine our own?
One reason is the comfort that blame provides. Blaming others spares us from revisiting old wounds or past traumas that may have shaped our behaviors. Many of these toxic tendencies stem from psychological defence mechanisms designed to protect our ego.
Instead of facing difficult truths, we sometimes craft one-sided narratives to justify our actions. While this may offer temporary relief, it often has lasting consequences on our relationships and personal development.
Breaking the Cycle
To avoid falling into a pattern of blame-shifting, it’s important to ask yourself difficult but necessary questions. Have you truly handled a situation in the best way possible? Could you have responded differently? What role did you play in the conflict? These moments of reflection can be uncomfortable, but they foster self-awareness and help identify harmful tendencies that might otherwise go unnoticed.
Another way to break the cycle is by pausing before reacting. Choosing self-reflection over immediate defensiveness allows for a better understanding of your emotions, helping you recognise triggers and respond to criticism more constructively. Rather than resorting to knee-jerk reactions, taking a moment to process your feelings can make all the difference in how conflicts unfold.
Unlearning Toxic Behavior
Recognizing toxic behaviors is just the first step—unlearning them requires intentional effort.
Practicing self-awareness, whether through therapy, journaling, or open conversations with trusted individuals, can provide deeper insight into your actions.
Seeking honest feedback from those who truly know you can also help in identifying blind spots.
Emotional regulation plays a key role in this process, as it allows you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
The journey of self-improvement isn’t always comfortable, but making a conscious effort to change is what ultimately leads to growth.
Accountability Without Self-Shaming
Self-reflection is an ongoing process, not a single moment of realization. As we work toward personal growth, it’s equally important to avoid self-shaming.
Acknowledging flaws doesn’t mean spiralling into guilt or self-hate—it means taking responsibility while allowing yourself the grace to improve. Holding yourself accountable doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you someone who is willing to evolve.
At the end of the day, the more we take ownership of our actions, the better we show up in our relationships—and in life as a whole.
References:
Aion; Researchers into the Phenomenology of the Self (1959)
The Shadow; Perry (2015)
Why we put the blame on others- and the real cost we pay; Sheri Jacobson (2023)
Self- Serving Bias; Forsyth (2008)