Healing from Emotional Neglect in African Households
Sometimes I think we all had the same childhood.
Have you ever heard things like, “I put a roof over your head!” or “I carried you in my womb for nine months!”?
It’s funny (and a little sad) how phrases like these became the “gold standard” of what care looked like in many African homes.
For many parents, as long as school fees were paid and food was on the table, that was enough proof of love. And to be fair, these things are important. This was their way of showing love and care.
But here’s the thing we don’t really say out loud: “Mum/Dad, I need YOU too!” , because care shows up everywhere except emotionally.
What Is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect isn’t about what was done; it’s about what wasn’t.
It’s the absence of emotional attention, comfort, or validation.
It could be the physical attention, but the lack emotionally.
It’s being told, “You’re too sensitive,” instead of, “I see that you’re hurt.”
It’s hearing, “Your own is even better; what about so-and-so?” when all you needed was, “I understand.”
Over time, you learn to survive by suppressing your feelings or turning them off altogether, and then one day, you realize you’ve forgotten how to turn them back on.
Why Does This Happen?
Because many African parents were raised in survival mode.
Love looked like hard work, discipline, and endurance, not tenderness.
When the goal is survival, emotions can feel like distractions.
They didn’t mean to withhold connection; they simply didn’t know what it looked like.
That’s why healing from emotional neglect isn’t about blame. It’s about breaking the pattern.
How Emotional Neglect Shows Up
Let’s play a game.
Put a finger down if you can relate to any of these:
You struggle to identify what you’re feeling. (“I don’t even know what’s wrong.”)
You feel like a burden when you need help or comfort. (“Everyone else has their own problems; let me not add mine.”)
You downplay your experiences or beat yourself up for having human reactions.
You believe you have to do something before you deserve love or validation.
You get uncomfortable or shut down when others show emotions.
If your fingers are down, these are some of the ways emotional neglect may show up.
But here’s the catch: you’re not broken. You just adapted.
Let the Healing Begin
Now, I’m going to hold your hand when I say this:
“Healing from emotional neglect takes time. You’ll need patience and compassion for yourself, even on the days you feel like you’ve ‘slipped’.”
It’s like learning a new language or riding a bike as an adult. Awkward at first, but eventually, it becomes natural.
Let’s begin:
Name It: Acknowledge that you didn’t get the emotional safety you needed.
No one’s to blame. It’s just the truth.
Feel Things: Notice and name your emotions without judgment.
“I feel lonely.” “I feel seen.” “I feel angry.”
Reparent Yourself: Give your adult self what your inner child needed. It could be gentleness, affirmation, patience etc.
Here is something you can try: sit with yourself and ask, “What do you need now?” “What should we do first?” “why did you do that”, “what are you trying to communicate” the goal of this exercise is to listen to really hear what your inner child is saying…with compassion.
Find Safe People: Healing happens faster in emotionally safe spaces. Like: therapy, community, or friendships that get it.
This is also where you can be that safe space for others. When you learn emotional safety, model it. That’s how the cycle really breaks.
Set Boundaries
Know your own boundaries and assertively communicate them. You can love your family deeply and still choose distance for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Healing doesn’t mean not acknowledging your roots.
It means expanding what love looks like. It is adding warmth, softness, and emotional honesty to the legacy you’ll pass down.
You’re not “too sensitive.”
You’re simply human experiencing human things
“And that’s on period.”
References
Emotional Abuse in African Homes – Glorie Ibanga (Medium)
Emotional Neglect Questionnaire – Dr. Jonice Webb