Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries in Nigerian Families
Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries in Nigerian Families (Without Feeling Like a “Bad Child”)
In many Nigerian homes, the concept of boundaries is either misunderstood or entirely non-existent. Respect is non-negotiable, elders are always right, and complete obedience is often mistaken for the model of a “good child”. If you’ve ever been called “rude,” “proud,” or “too foreign” simply for expressing a need or saying “no,” you’re not alone.
The truth is, boundaries are not rebellion, they’re a form of self-respect and self preservation. Setting healthy boundaries, even in environments with strong cultural norms, is essential for emotional wellbeing, mental health, and authentic relationships.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard
In traditional Nigerian culture, the family unit is deeply hierarchical. Parents and elders are seen as authority figures whose word should rarely be questioned. Children are raised to be obedient and self-sacrificing, and in return, they’re often expected to show love through silence, service, and unquestioned availability. This can be problematic as it leads people to people-pleasing tendencies.
This makes boundary-setting feel like self and cultural betrayal. You may struggle with:
Guilt: Feeling selfish for prioritizing your needs
Fear: Worrying that your parents will withdraw love or support
Shame: Internalizing the idea that you’re a “bad child” or person for saying no
However, boundaries do not mean disrespect. They mean you’re taking responsibility for your emotional safety and that’s not just allowed, it’s necessary.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end, and others begin. They help you protect your time, energy, emotions, and values. In a Nigerian home, this might sound like:
“I need some privacy, so I’ll be locking my door sometimes.”
“I won’t be available to run errands during my work hours.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, or even financial. They’re not walls to shut people out, they’re bridges that allow you to connect with others in healthier, more sustainable ways that don’t drain you emotionally.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Start With Self-Clarity
Before setting boundaries with others, get clear on what you need. What triggers overwhelm, resentment, or burnout for you? What patterns in your household feel intrusive or harmful
Use Respectful, Firm Language. Tone matters, especially in Nigerian homes. You can be direct and still be respectful. Try phrases like:
“I understand where you’re coming from Mum, but I’d prefer…”
“I love and respect you, and this is important for my wellbeing.”
Anticipate Pushback
It’s normal to face resistance, especially if you’re breaking long-standing patterns in a West African household. Don’t expect instant understanding. Stay calm, repeat your boundary, and remember that their reaction isn’t always your responsibility.
Set Consequences, Not Ultimatums.
Boundaries work best when you’re ready to follow through. If someone keeps overstepping, gently communicate what will change. For example, “If this topic keeps coming up, I’ll need to step away from the conversation.”
Practice Emotional Detachment (In Moderation and when needed)
You can love your older family members deeply and have emotional boundaries. You’re allowed to step back from constant guilt-tripping, manipulation, or over-involvement in your personal life.
You’re Not a “Bad Child”
Many young Nigerians carry guilt for simply wanting space, rest, or privacy in a culture that often romanticizes suffering and over-functioning. But protecting your peace doesn’t mean you love or respect your family any less. In fact, when you set boundaries, you’re creating space for healthier and more honest relationships.
Finally, setting boundaries in a Nigerian household is not easy but it’s possible. And more importantly, it’s worth it.
It’s important to feel safe, heard, and respected in your own home. It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but with time, communicating your boundaries will become like second nature to you.
References:
Development of Perceived Family Boundaries in Young Adults Scale, Kurt et al (2023)
Family Boundaries, King (2016)